(To celebrate Google’s recent announcement that YouTube will automatically transcribe videos, I have transcribed Ricky Van Veen’s speech from one of my favorite College Humor videos, “Scooch”)

Ricky: Guys, the bathroom here is a privilege. If you’re gunna do Number Two, just do Number One. If you’re going into the bathroom and you’re going to do a Number Two, just do a Number One! It’s simple! It’s math! I can’t make this any clearer. Every time you do a Number Two it costs the company twice as much as a Number One. Number Twos just don’t clog the toilet flow they clog the work flow. Keep your Number Twos at home. Our toilets aren’t a place to be doing Number Twos, which was a decision I made when I built this company with my bare hands. Yes, what I just said is true. Using a mortar and rudimentary bricks I literally built this company from the ground up. Sure, it’s collapsed several times …that’s not what’s important here. What’s important here is Number One. Number Ones are like (???) they’re pure, they give back to the environment. There is physical proof that humans don’t need Number Twos is be successful. I wasn’t gunna go here, but Number Twos are un-American. Patriots don’t take Number Twos, okay? Do you love your country? Do you love your country as I love it? (???) Let’s talk for a moment about Number Three. We all get urges at work so I understand fully if you have to take a Number Three. The bathrooms can handle that (???) One more order of business, I guess we’re working here now. Streeter: Sorry. Boss, did we move offices because Pat was late to the meeting? Ricky: No, we moved because the toilets were clogged. Like I said before, if you’re gunna do Number Two, just do Number One. Streeter: Sometimes I have to do a Number Two, though… Ricky: Then just do two Number Ones.