Chats
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My Favorite Scene from Adaptation
Charlie Kaufman: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh. Donald Kaufman: Oh, God. I was so in love with her. Charlie: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you. Donald: I remember that.…
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On Marketing Meetings
Marketing girl: We’re having a little difficulty [inventing the wheel]. Ford: What do you mean, difficulty? It’s the single simplest machine in the entire Universe! Marketing girl: Alright, Mr. Wiseguy. If you’re so clever, you tell us what colour it should be.
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Animated Superpowers 2
Question: If you could have any supernatural power… what would you choose? Amir: What I basically want is that for things to effect me in a way than they oppositely should. Okay, that doesn’t make sense. But, what I mean is… If I eat french fries, I will become healthier. The less I shower, the…
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Yesterday
Jay: Today was a good day. Wilhelm: Sir, am I correct in assuming that by stating you had a good day, you did not have to resort to using your Kalashnikov 47? Jay: You are correct, sir. Wilhelm: Then good day to you, sir! #monocle #tophat #dirigible #brandy #cigar
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David Byrne interviews himself for a Talking Heads’ film concert by Jonathan Demme.
Interviewer (David Byrne, dressed as various people): We only have a few minutes, so try to be brief. Okay? DB: I will do absolutely anything you say. Interviewer: Right. Why did you call the movie Stop Making Sense? DB: Because it’s good advice. Because music and performing does not make sense. Interviewer: Amazing. DB: It…
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Me: I dropped a ten dollar bill this morning and a girl goes “I should call you Aaron Burr.” I was like, “I don’t appreciate that.” Sister: By the way you were droppin’ Hamiltons? Me: That was the gist of it. Sister: Hmmm Me: I enjoy laying it out that way: over-intellectualizing rap lyrics then…
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(To celebrate Google’s recent announcement that YouTube will automatically transcribe videos, I have transcribed Ricky Van Veen’s speech from one of my favorite College Humor videos, “Scooch”)
Ricky: Guys, the bathroom here is a privilege. If you’re gunna do Number Two, just do Number One. If you’re going into the bathroom and you’re going to do a Number Two, just do a Number One! It’s simple! It’s math! I can’t make this any clearer. Every time you do a Number Two it…
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Vizzini: Let me put it this way: every heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates? Westley: Yes. Vizzini: Morons.
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Beyond the Time Vortex
Alan Maxwell: Do you have a god? Alien: Explain. Alan Maxwell: An all-powerful being–a force underlying everything. Alien: Electromagnetic forces underlie all… Alan Maxwell: No, I mean, an intelligent force. Alien: Electromagnetic force is intelligent. Matter, space, time. All the same. Alan Maxwell: … All the same. Alien: All the same.
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iPhone Auto-Correct Sucks
Me: “T-R-A-N-S-M-O-G-R-I-F…” iPhone: “Do you mean ‘transmogrify’?”
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Ford: You should prepare yourself for the jump into hyperspace; it’s unpleasantly like being drunk. Arthur: What’s so unpleasant about being drunk? Ford: Just ask a glass of water.
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Me: Oh, I don’t need a bag. Him: Just take it. Me: …okaaaay.
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Nigel: “This is a top to a, you know, what we use on stage, but it’s very, very special because if you can see, the numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board.” Marty: “And most of these amps go up to ten. Does that mean it’s… louder? Is it any louder?” Nigel:…
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Navin: Now be totally honest. You do have a boyfriend, don’t you? Marie: Kind of… Navin: I know this is our first date but do you think the next time you make love to your boyfriend you could think of me? Marie: Well I haven’t made love to him yet. Navin: That’s too bad. Do…
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Walter Sobchak: Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing… I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet… The Dude: I don’t see any connection to Vietnam, Walter. Walter Sobchak: Well, there isn’t a literal connection, Dude. The Dude: Walter, face it, there isn’t any connection.